Friday, February 7, 2014

LOSING MAMA

        

          25479_349211132884_591887884_3574074_2181328_n
           My mama, (left) her brother Tommy and sister Helen

On Monday night, my mama was admitted into the hospital in critical condition. It probably couldn’t have been a worse time. She had children and grandchildren over 500 miles away, some in places with 7 inches of snow. Sleet was forecast to begin falling on top of the snow the next night. When I asked if I needed to call the family in, the doctor told me that although mama was most likely going to die, he couldn't pin point how long she had. He said he wasn't God, and with Mrs. Lindsey, you sure couldn’t make a guess, because she was one of the strongest women he had ever known and had fooled him in December when she was so sick. ( She got well!) So we said we would wait until all the tests came back the next day.

But I had a feeling this time.

For the last three weeks I have dreamed one certain dream over and over. This dream I was having, although not too bad, had left me with an uneasy feeling.

The first thing I noticed Monday evening as I walked into mama’s room at the hospital was a huge painting of a beautiful dogwood tree on the wall. It made me think of my daddy who has been dead for years. He loved dogwood trees.

           family aunt helen and mama
               Aunt Helen on left and my mama on right in Mill Town.

Even though mama wasn’t awake, I sat out there for a long time that night just talking to her, telling her how much I loved her, how she was the best mama I could have had, how hard I knew she had worked to raise us all when we were so very poor, how strong she was, and I also let her know that her baby was there. When the nurses said that all the test results wouldn’t be in until the next morning anyway, I went ahead and left to go home around 10pm or so, to try get a little sleep…

Figuring I would come back early the next morning.

          family mama susan with thomas  jo ann  sue ellen christopher and granny
             mama in1965

It was just as I was heading out the front door of my house the next morning around 8 am, that my home phone begin to ring. Being in a hurry to get out there with mama, I debated on just letting it ring. (Because I had given the hospital my cell phone number in case they needed me.)

Something just told me to turn around and go on back in the house and answer the phone.

           10218_1156311267880_1230684864_30566417_2525423_n
                 My mama with Danny.

It was the doctor and before he even told me, I knew my mama was already gone. He said she went peacefully with no pain. It’s true what they say about hindsight being 20/20, because I wish with all my heart that I had went on and stayed the whole night with my mama and been with her when she took her last breath.

I can’t changed that now, and I know I will have to live with that fact for the rest of my life.

My mama is gone.

I will never again on this earth see her sweet smile or hear her voice…the mother’s voice I have heard since my birth. I loved her so much and although I knew this day would eventually come, it has still been such a hard loss. I was her baby, and she used to tell me I would ALWAYS be her baby. (I have caught myself telling Amanda and Dan the same thing, so yeah I know what she meant.) 

           0606121423
                                Me and my mama

Even in the midst of sorrows, you can sometimes still find good things happening around you if you look hard enough….

I am so very proud of my two children and my nieces and nephews. Although they didn’t have to, they collected money between them all to buy the beautiful spray for their grandma’s casket. Knowing Grandma’s favorite color was yellow, they had it filled full of yellow roses. Even grandchildren who lived far away proved their love for their grandmother, God bless them all. Then again, they knew what they had lost…a grandma who loved them with all her heart..

             68775_1481016105298_1230684864_31343135_1980894_n
                       Wyatt with his great-grandma Lindsey

God was with us because my mama’s son and daughter and their families made it down over a mountain, through ice and snow without accidents for the funeral.  I got to see family that I had not seen in a very long time. It is so sad that the only time we as a family get together, is always at a funeral, but then again, you also find out there are wonderful friends, neighbors and family who really care and are praying for you.

It comforts me to know…

My mama's legs and feet are now healed and she is in no more pain.
Where that bastard (Alzheimer's) had robbed her of memories of her own children, today her mind is clear and those precious memories are restored. My mama is reunited with her loved ones…even the little sister we never got to meet.

           mama with wyatt and will
Will ( left)and Wyatt (right) with their great-grandma Lindsey

Yes, my heart is broken, but I still stand on the promise from our Almighty God that one sweet day, we will meet our loved ones again. And on that day;  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Revelation 21:4

Finally, I am trying very hard to remember that even though we all face trials and sorrows in this world at one time or another….

He is always with us.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

16 comments:

Sherry said...

Always read but never comment, but I want you to know you are in my prayers and thoughts, love, Sherry

Sherry said...

Always read but never comment, but I want you to know you are in my prayers and thoughts, love, Sherry

Sherry said...

Always read but never comment, but I want you to know you are in my prayers and thoughts, love, Sherry

Nelishia said...

My heart goes out to you because I know how much you loved your Mamma. I've found myself praying for you over and over again this week. May God bring you peace and comfort. Bless you, Nelishia

Paige Arwood-Hubbard said...

Ms. Carlene, I think your mama didn't want you to sit and watch her pass away is the reason your phone rung and you turned around to answer it. She knew you would be on the road if they called your cell phone and she was looking after you and your safety. She had her memories stored for when she reached heavens shore that they were there waiting on her as she was healed from head to toe. She knew you were there that night and things happen like God wants them and He didn't want you to watch it either. Your mama and God had a date and time when to meet. You are all still in my thoughts and prayers. It's true family's don't get together anymore except for funerals and it shouldn't be that way, but life takes over and before we know it months and years have passed. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. Love, Paige

Paige Arwood-Hubbard said...

Ms. Carlene, I think your mama didn't want you to sit and watch her pass away is the reason your phone rung and you turned around to answer it. She knew you would be on the road if they called your cell phone and she was looking after you and your safety. She had her memories stored for when she reached heavens shore that they were there waiting on her as she was healed from head to toe. She knew you were there that night and things happen like God wants them and He didn't want you to watch it either. Your mama and God had a date and time when to meet. You are all still in my thoughts and prayers. It's true family's don't get together anymore except for funerals and it shouldn't be that way, but life takes over and before we know it months and years have passed. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. Love, Paige

Paige Arwood-Hubbard said...

Ms. Carlene, I think your mama didn't want you to sit and watch her pass away is the reason your phone rung and you turned around to answer it. She knew you would be on the road if they called your cell phone and she was looking after you and your safety. She had her memories stored for when she reached heavens shore that they were there waiting on her as she was healed from head to toe. She knew you were there that night and things happen like God wants them and He didn't want you to watch it either. Your mama and God had a date and time when to meet. You are all still in my thoughts and prayers. It's true family's don't get together anymore except for funerals and it shouldn't be that way, but life takes over and before we know it months and years have passed. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. Love, Paige

Paige Arwood-Hubbard said...

Ms. Carlene, I think your mama didn't want you to sit and watch her pass away is the reason your phone rung and you turned around to answer it. She knew you would be on the road if they called your cell phone and she was looking after you and your safety. She had her memories stored for when she reached heavens shore that they were there waiting on her as she was healed from head to toe. She knew you were there that night and things happen like God wants them and He didn't want you to watch it either. Your mama and God had a date and time when to meet. You are all still in my thoughts and prayers. It's true family's don't get together anymore except for funerals and it shouldn't be that way, but life takes over and before we know it months and years have passed. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. Love, Paige

Anonymous said...

Ms. Carlene, I think your mama didn't want you to sit and watch her pass away is the reason your phone rung and you turned around to answer it. She knew you would be on the road if they called your cell phone and she was looking after you and your safety. She had her memories stored for when she reached heavens shore that they were there waiting on her as she was healed from head to toe. She knew you were there that night and things happen like God wants them and He didn't want you to watch it either. Your mama and God had a date and time when to meet. You are all still in my thoughts and prayers. It's true family's don't get together anymore except for funerals and it shouldn't be that way, but life takes over and before we know it months and years have passed. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. Love, Paige

Paula said...

God Bless you Carlene.

Donna said...

I love the pictures. Carlene, I have been following you so long and watched you through so many trials and triumphs, I feel like I'm your next-door neighbor. God bless you and yours, always.

Suzi Que said...

Carlene,

Your mama was a beautiful and strong woman, and she left us all with some very precious memories. I know that she would be so proud of you because you are just as strong and as beautiful as she was... There is no greater gift to our parents than to grow up to be someone they can be proud of. I know that the last several years have been hard on you because of the Alzheimer's, but I believe with all of my heart that even though she might not have always recognized you, in her heart she knew that there was someone very close to her that she loved very much. Our minds might forget but our hearts do not. And we both know that you don't have to see that someone to love them...
You did a beautiful job with the arrangements, and it was a very sweet and loving tribute to your mama. I love you. Sue Ellen

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

My deepest sympathies on your loss. It is so hard to lose those we love. May your dear Mother rest in peace. Yes, there is no pain for her any longer and I believe you will meet again. Hugs and love to you at this time of sorrow.

Helen said...

Everything that Paige wrote is also how I feel. God took her when it was time. The time you were with her was not that time.I am glad that all her family got to come before she was laid to rest. May God be with all of you and give you peace and comfort. Love you.

Kath said...

Sending many {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} Carlene.It is so,that famlies always seem to get together on these sad occasions,I personally would love to see them all often....but alas we cannot always have, what we would like.I don't think you would have been able to drive home if you had stayed over Carlene with your Mama,so I agree with the above comment.God places us where we should be,at all times,he thought you best at home that night.Thinking of you always and God be with you at this trying time Dear Friend.I have sent you two cards today Carlene,snail mail.Take Care .God Bless Kath xx

Lynne said...

Sending special hugs and prayers your way this morning.
When my father was moved to hospice, all of us talked my mother into going home. My twin sister stayed with him but had walked out for just a moment and when she came back he was gone. Mom was devastated because she felt she should have stayed, but she was exhausted. I also would like to think God worked it out by allowing my father a peaceful moment alone with him before taking him home. The one thing I do know is that it did not matter that we were not there, my father was not alone because God is with him and loves him and he is now at rest and peace living in God's very presence in heaven. Until we all are together again, God bless you and yours wonderful lady. You are such a gem. Hugs.